Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
