I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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