If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
