I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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