drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize