I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
