Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
