I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
