My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
