So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
