Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
