god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
