It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
