You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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