does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
