Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
