Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You need a sexual gate keeper
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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