i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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