so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
