So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
