Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
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