....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
