just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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