I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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