My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
