how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
