I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
She bit a glass in half.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
