I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
