i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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