I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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