so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
