my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
