She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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