He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
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