the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize