I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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