I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
