sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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