I faked an abortion last night.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Randomize
