I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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