have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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