I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
