two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
