Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
