I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
