so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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