I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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