U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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