I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Randomize
