When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
