My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
thus making me awesome and them whores
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
