so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
