The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Randomize
