Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
i think i just lost a toe
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
