Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
