masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
