I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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