He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
be right there i have to get my cape
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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