woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
