goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
